Thursday, November 17, 2011

Monday, November 07, 2011

OK Computer Side Note

I just remembered this, and it ticked me off in a major way. He said the internet was boring. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Anyone who finds the internet boring is A) fucking lazy, B) just not into computers, C) unimaginative, or D) a combination of all 3. There is ALWAYS something to learn on the fucking internet. I mean, COME ON. You can learn a language. You can learn about wine. You can learn about tigers. You can learn about fucking ANYTHING. As a perpetual dork who loves learning and bettering myself with knowledge, hearing that made me feel extremely insulted on behalf of the glorious internet. I fucking love the internet.

This just serves as yet another reason I have NO regrets saying no to a second date with this a-hole. Anyone who lacks the same thirst for knowledge I have is just beneath me. I might sound like a bitch for saying so, but it's fucking true. I refuse to waste my time on those of little brainpower. I have better things to do with my time.

I'm going to go learn about contemporary Japanese art now. Thank you, internet. Thank you for being fucking awesome.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Match vs. OK Cupid - Throwdown!

I realize I've been remiss in posting. I didn't have much to say really, being that I had no dates, and no emails really stuck out to me as blog-worthy. And now you're getting two posts in two days? Man, I'm spoiling you.

So, I've been a member of both and OK Cupid for a while now, and I feel I can properly judge and compare them. I've had merely 2 dates as a result of joining. This is partly because I've been busy and haven't had much time for profile-browsing, and mostly because I'm disheartened about this whole online dating scenario.

Have I mentioned I'm picky? I'm picky to the point of it being actually kind of pathetic. Perhaps. I don't know. I like to think that I'm discerning. But so much of my attraction to a person is physical. It's chemical. It's just NOT something I can get from some typed up words and a few photos. Most of the time, I'm just bored reading profiles. Especially on Match. Sometimes I'm entertained, and sometimes I'm intrigued. But it's never to the point where I'm like, I NEED TO KNOW THIS PERSON! This is why I like it when people email ME instead of the other way around. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm discerning. Maybe this whole online dating thing just isn't for me. I don't know, dude. I just don't know.

I haven't gotten any emails on Match recently. But I have gotten a few on OK Cupid. I haven't responded to them. Does this make me a bad person? I feel like I kind of want to reply, because a couple of the guys seem pretty cool, but I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in dating them. And I have a hard time being friends with guys. Historically, they've usually ended up wanting me and making things awkward. This is never something I want to deal with. And then after they confess their undying devotion, I can't treat them the same anymore, so I end up losing friends. And if they're just going to fall for me and I'm not going to be able to be friends with them anymore, what's the point in starting a friendship? I guess I'm being cynical. This couldn't possible happen with EVERY GUY EVER, right? Right. I have actually had some real male friends, but I can only think of two at the moment. Two. Out of all the guys I've ever tried to be friends with, only two haven't tried to pursue me romantically. So it seems it's the overall pattern, and I don't like dealing with it. So my emails remain unanswered.

Anyway, I didn't come here to bitch about how I don't know if I'm cut out for online dating, I came here to RANT! Nothing feels better than a good old fashioned rant. (Well, I can think of some things. But I do enjoy a good rant from time to time.) So sit back and enjoy while I prepare to do some comparing and contrasting, Liz Jones style.

Dating Pool

Match: I don't know, maybe it's me, but it sure seems like all the boring people are on Match. By boring people, I mean the typical people who somewhat believe in God, are close to their families, and want to find a similar person to breed with. These people went to large state schools and possibly joined fraternities. A lot of them work hard and play hard (whatever the fuck THAT means). Most of them love to travel and love dogs. All of them bore me. They just all seem so generic. Maybe it's the format of the online profile. Maybe they're really great in person. But there has been nothing that has prompted me to email a single one of them.

OK Cupid: Now THIS is what I'm talking about, people. Sure, I've heard tell of fake profiles, weirdos, and creeps. But I haven't really encountered them for the most part unless one emails me. OK Cupid is full of all the quirky creative types I'd be attracted to in person. The cat lovers. The musicians. The artists. The comedians. If the man of my dreams is dating online, he's most definitely on OK Cupid.


Match: Searching is really easy on Match. You can search within a radius as small as 5 miles, and (I think) as big as "anywhere." This is ideal. You can search for physical characteristics like hair color, religious beliefs, favorite activities, career type, etc, etc. Definitely a good search engine on this site. You can also choose to have Match email you search results daily if new members join or whatever. This is definitely nice.

OK Cupid: As suitable as the dating pool is on this site, the search function is ultimately retarded. The smallest radius you can search in is 25 miles. This is great for a rural area, NOT great for an urban area. I live in a big city. I want to date other people who live in a big city. I want my radius to be 5 miles, not 25. So this is extremely annoying and disappointing. I don't want to weed through my search results even further. That's the purpose of searching! But at least their other search options are pretty good.


Match: Okay, seriously? Match's matching sucks ASS. They ask you like 5 questions when you sign up, and that's supposed to help figure out who would be good for you? And then the daily matches. Oooohhhh the dailies. "Like you, this person is not a smoker." "Like you, this person is the oldest child." "This person shares your birth month!" "You both enjoy dining out." These are the reasons I get on my daily matches. Match, I'm glad you're giving me non-smokers. I am. But can you STOP trying to match me with the oldest child? There's a reason that youngest / oldest pairings work. Opposites attract for a reason. USE THAT LOGIC. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SHINY. And I'm not going to date someone because we both like eating dinner at restaurants. I mean come ON.

OK Cupid: I actually really like this method of matching. They ask you questions, you rate their importance to you, and what answers you want your potential matches to have answered with. Very effective. And when you look at other profiles, it will show you the percentage of match you are. However, you can see the answers other people gave, and I find myself writing off people because of things that probably wouldn't have come up in real life or wouldn't ever have really been an issue. So I think they should keep the answers secret. It is possible to know too much about someone before you ever really actually know THEM. Also, they should get on the "opposites attract" bandwagon. There should BE a bandwagon. But anyway, it would be cool if they could give you a few matches a day who would be your opposites. You could either hate them or it could bloom into love. (How cliche. But seriously. It would be neat!)


Match: Boring. No wonder boring people go on here! (Does it make me boring if I'm on it too?)

OK Cupid: Shiny. But I also think there's some muck they could stand to get rid of, like those random quizzes. It's dumb. Leave that shit to Facebook. I'm serious. Or just delete them from the earth. Do I really care what kind of tree you are or what Harry Potter character you're most like? No. No I don't.

Overall, I definitely prefer OK Cupid, but I do have complaints about both of them. They should just both hire me to give them advice and it would all be cleared up and the world would be a better place. Sadly, the likelihood of that is less than nil.

Monday, October 31, 2011

OK Computer

OK Cupid Date #1

I'm bummed today. I'm so bummed that I've had to begin this entry multiple times because I'm just not on my writing game. But I really want to get these thoughts out, so I'm persevering. Just don't expect this to be an awesome post. This bummed-out-ness could be due to a number of things, including lack of sleep and the fact that the sun isn't shining. But I really think it is a direct result of my lackluster date yesterday.

OK Computer messaged me on OK Cupid a couple weeks ago, noting a similar interest in music and giving me props for my movie list. His message made me smile, and he was actually not bad looking (this is quite a feat for the types of people who message me), so I responded, even though it broke one of my rules: I will not date you if you live in the suburbs. But I thought I should give him a chance, because surely someone who likes the same things as I do must be pretty cool, right? His profile wasn't bad either. Of note was the part where he mentioned he likes experiencing new things. This is a big thing with me. I like to have adventures. I like learning new things and gaining new experiences, and I really need someone who will join me and want to include me in his own adventures as well. I did have some doubts, though.

Some of the things he said set off a few warning bells. Not loudly, but enough to be bothersome. One was the fact that he's never lived far from his hometown. I think a person really needs to travel and see different places to know what one likes, wants, needs, etc. You can't stay in the same place and have it be enough, typically. It would be different if he'd lived in the city his whole life, but still. Living elsewhere for a while, even if just for a semester for study abroad, is vital I think. But we didn't talk about traveling, so who knows? Maybe he has seen more of the world than I give him credit for.

Another thing was that over our messages, I was asking about things that I enjoy, such as movies and TV and whatnot, and he said he hasn't kept up with movies, since he hasn't had anyone to watch them with, and he also hasn't kept up with most TV shows. Aside from the not-having-anyone-to-watch-movies-with part sounding completely pathetic and practically asking for pity, this begged the question: Then what DOES he do? I asked. I didn't get much of an answer. He goes to the gym, which is good, because at least he isn't lazy. But besides that? Who knows. It's nice he's not glued to a TV screen, but does he really not have any interests? Hobbies? Nothing?

Our messages continued for about a week before we decided to make plans to meet in person. But despite my doubts, as mentioned above, I was actually really looking forward to it, because based on these messages, this guy seemed pretty cool. I was hoping that his personality in person would make up for or negate any of the things he'd said that made me wonder. Of course I was worried about what he would be like in person. I've had friends who are great to talk to onlne but who are super awkward in person. I was really really hoping this wasn't the case. I wanted this to work. I wanted him to be hot. I wanted him to be outgoing and personable. I wanted him to be as cool as I am. I know this is tough, but I had high hopes. Perhaps those hopes were too high.

I'm sorry to report that, while I didn't have a terrible time, I can't say it was great either. Most of our conversation was pleasant and we of course spoke of many of the same things we'd discussed in messages, except with more detail. So there wasn't really much progress in getting to know this guy. I suppose I could have asked more questions, but conversation WAS flowing naturally, so I just went with it. The last thing I wanted was for conversation to feel forced and interview-ish. But what I did gather about him was not very interesting.

What was worse is that his mannerisms are weird, and I mean that in an unattractive way. He had said in his profile that he was a fan of sarcasm, so I anticipated that we'd be able to play off each other, right? Wrong. What he thought was sarcasm and wit was NOT sarcasm and wit. It was just sad. I don't really know how to describe it other than "awkward and not funny." But he apparently thought he was hilarious.

But a major turn off was that he told me about his health issues. Now, they aren't really serious health issues, but still not something one should discuss at a first meeting, and they made him even more unattractive to me. This is on top of his telling me that he just moved back home. He didn't go into why really, and I'm sure there are good reasons for moving back in with your parents (and it's certainly better than never having moved out at all), but still another strike against him. Also, he told me he doesn't like watching movies by himself. And he has a LOT of movies to watch in order to become a better person. For example, he too is guilty of never having seen The Princess Bride. This is a crime against humanity. But I digress. I do not have the time to watch awesome movies with him that I've already seen just to educate him, and if he doesn't like film enough to suck it up and watch by himself, I just don't know if I can handle that. (Is it so ridiculous that I want my date to have knowledge of current movies?)

Overall, I just got the sense that I was the more rounded individual with more life experience. Being that I have hardly any life experience, this is kind of upsetting. I do not want to be the dominant one. I want someone who can challenge me at the same time as I challenge him. I don't want to be doing all the challenging. I don't want to be feeling like I'm doing this guy a favor by dating him, because it's clear that's what would be going on. Honestly, I just feel like I am out of his league, that I can do WAY better, and that I deserve way better.

At the end of the meeting, I did want to give it another chance, but after thinking about it for a day, I just don't see how it's going to change anything. If I don't feel the attraction off the bat, it's just not going to pop up out of nowhere. But unlike last time, I'm not going to torture myself by going on a second date with this guy, even though I feel bad because I probably got his hopes up. It would just be a waste of time, and I'd be miserable. But now I have to email him and let him down, because texting is just too short. Le sigh. I hate rejecting people. But I hate it far less than putting up with them when we aren't compatible.

How many guys will I have to meet before I meet another one I actually like? Maybe I'm just spoiled by having such awesome friends and family that most people in the world are far less cool in comparison. Or maybe the REAL cool people don't have to try to meet people online... Or maybe I'm just too fucking picky for my own good.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Match Date #1
The day I joined Match, I got several pointless, retarded emails, mentioned previously. The email that Ron Burgundy sent me stood out among them like a glittering jewel of hope. It was thoughtful, made me smile and just begged to be answered. I was a bit disappointed in RB's profile, because it was pretty thin, but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he was all about. So we exchanged a few emails back and forth, just getting to know each other on a basic level, seeing that we have things in common, etc, etc, and he seemed like a good guy, so when he asked to meet up, I was all for it.
Well, maybe not ALL for it. I am REALLY fucking picky about guys, and I'm not the most outgoing person when you first meet me (generally speaking), so I was afraid A) it was going to be really fucking awkward, B) he was going to look nothing like his one dinky picture and actually look like a slob and smell bad (even though I didn't think this would really be a possibility, because he's a morning news anchor (yes, that's right, motherfuckers, and no, I did not Google him, 'cuz that's the fucking creepiest thing you could possibly do, and I have no idea what station he works for because I do not watch the news), so I figured he had to look at least OK), and, most of all, C) that I was going to have to tell him I didn't want to see him again. That was something I DID NOT want to say in person, even though I realize using a textual form of communication is the coward's way out. But anyway, I was dreading this date all week, and I didn't even want to tell anyone I was going on it. (For safety's sake, I did tell one of my friends, just so she'd know to call the police if she never heard from me again.) But I did go, and it was WAY not as bad as I was expecting.
We met up at an 80s themed cafe. This place seriously rocked, and honestly, I was more excited to see this place than go on this date. But whatever. It had 80s posters all over the walls, and an old TV set up with Super Nintendo and a bunch of really old games I remember watching my cousin play when I was a kid. Having worked as a barista for 4.5 years, I'm kind of an espresso drink snob, so my mocha did not taste as good as I wanted it to, but I was a good sport and didn't complain. The decor more than made up for it.
So anyway, I walked in and the place was hopping, but thankfully RB was already there and got up and came right over to me. I was relieved that he looked normal and actually kind of attractive. Not my type persay, but not bad. But then he hugged me and said it was "nice to see me," like we knew each other and that was not cool with me, really. But I figured in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. But I am not a hugger. Unless I want to get in someone's pants, I am not the touchy-feely type. Not. At. All. So, ick. Especially since we'd been talking online for all of a week, and when I gave him my number, he only texted me to make plans, not to engage in any adorable banter. So yeah, really did not want to be hugged, but whatever.
So we sat down on a couch (yeah, fucking COUCHES) to talk, and thankfully it was not awkward. He had plenty of questions for me, which I was happy to answer. But this dude has not seen The Princess Bride. I just... INCONCIEVABLE. Major fail right there. AND he asked me if I had any questions for him - SUPER awkward. Um, hello, if I have questions for you, I will ask you. This is not an interview. So I awkwardly asked a dumb question, and he answered it with lameness, but after that, things went back to being somewhat comfortable. But seriously? Who asks that? "Do you have any questions for me?" *eyeroll* I have one: Why do you have to be so lame? Just let the conversation flow, you idiot. If it doesn't? Then clearly this isn't going to go anywhere.
I realize I'm making this sound really bad, and actually, in retrospect, it was pretty bad. But when I was there, I was having a good time, and really, for the most part, it wasn't uncomfortable.
So after a while, he wanted to go try to play one of the video games, so we went and did that, and I sucked (naturally), but it was a good time. We were playing it for a little while, and then the power randomly went out, so we had to leave. He asked if I wanted to go get some lunch, and I was like, "Okay!" I wasn't really thinking, because if I had been, I probably would have been like, "Nah, I'll just eat at home." But I suppose the subconscious free-lunch-wanting side of me made that decision by blocking off rational thought.
So we walked down the street, and a bunch of other places had power outages too, but then we happened upon a place that looked cool. Turned out to be this fucking snazzy breakfast place, and he was all sad, because he's allergic to eggs. EGGS? Who the FUCK is allergic to eggs? But whatever. And then he goes an orders a frittata, clearly not knowing that frittata = egg, so he ate like two bites, and the entire staff of the restaurant was like, "Omg, did you not like it? What happened?!" and ended up taking it off the bill. LOLZ. Super. Awkward. Sauce. Anyway, lunch conversation was not bad, and overall, I had a good time.
Afterwards, he walked me to my bus stop and said, "We should do this again!" And I agreed, 'cuz I'd actually had a good time, despite the awkwardness I nitpicked above. However, as we were waiting for my bus to come, we were discussing my very new experiences with Match (Note: This is not a good first date topic.), and I said I'd gotten some desperate emails (aka the guy who'd never been in a relationship and wanted one so bad that he thought to include his phone number), and RB was like, "Like mine?" I was like, "Um, no." But he insisted his sounded desperate. It was an awkward moment. (Yet again.) And now I'm thinking, Dude, if you need validation from me? I. Do. Not. Want. To. Date. You. Period. Self-deprecation is only okay if it's funny. This was just sad. But I ignored it and continued on with conversation. And then I was on my bus, headed for home, relieved that I had not spent a good portion of my day with some ugly, smelly guy who had plans to rape and kill me.
Later that evening, he texted me saying he had a good time, and I replied back that I too had had a good time, and that we should do it again, but that he would have to watch The Pricess Bride first, all bantery and adorable like I am. His response, "Hahaha, we will see about that." ...That was it. It was lame. The next day, we made plans to go out to dinner a few days later. This would have been an excellent time to start a text conversation, complete with adorable bantering. This did not happen. We made plans, and that was it. I mean, I get it if a guy isn't a big texter. But come ON. I guess one of my requirements is that a guy must be an avid texter. But more importantly, he must be adept at the art of banter. This is important to me, goddamn it! If you can't make me laugh, then it's a major fail. I'm not sorry.
And so I began dreading Date #2 with Ron Burgundy. I wasn't sure that I felt any real chemistry with him on Date #1, but I thought I'd better make sure, y'know? Still, I was dreading it. It was not a good sign, that's for sure. If I wasn't looking forward to seeing the guy, what hope did I have that this would be going anywhere?
I suppose I justified it because my ex made such a lasting impression on me that he's really a tough act to follow.  I guess I tried to justify it by thinking that this guy is just different, and that might not be a bad thing. But I still wasn't looking forward to seeing him, and it wasn't just because he wasn't my ex, and that's a fact. What I should have done was cancel and go shopping with my girl friend. But I sucked it up and went.
So he said his train had taken forever, so he was going to be a bit late, so I decided I could leave 10 mins later, but then my bus took about 25 mins (at LEAST) to get to my stop, so I was late myself. I tried engaging in an amusing text conversation. It did not happen. When I finally got to the restaurant, he was already at a table, and he stood up and knocked over my water. I. Kid. You. Not. Way to be awkward, sir. Way to be awkward. I mean, okay. I've done it. It wasn't that big of a deal. We got seated at another (dry) table. But still, not a good sign. And as soon as I saw him, I wanted to turn around and go home (except for the fact that I was starving), because he wasn't as attractive as I'd remembered, and it just hit me how much chemistry we did NOT have. And I had a whole dinner to get through. Sigh.
Conversation was awkward. I felt like we'd exhausted all topics of conversation during Date #1. AND he asked about my job. My boring ass makes-me-hate-my-life job. Ew. I do not like to talk about my job. It's an amazingly boring job, and I know that. It in now way defines me, and I'm not defined by having a job I hate. It's just a fact that I hate my job, and it's boring. So that was excruciating. Then he ended up eating one of my sushi rolls because I'd forgotten what I ordered (not a big deal, but with someone more interesting, it could have been hilarious). Once the wine hit me, I started to have a good time. But I was definitely the more interesting one in the conversation, lemme tell ya.
In conclusion, this guy just isn't my type. And he seems very satisfied with his life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I'm the type of person who wants to go out and do things and have fun, and most importantly, try new things and learn new things, and this guy just doesn't seem that interested. I felt that a big part of this guy is his job, which is an awesome job. It's not that he doesn't have interests outside of it, but he doesn't seem as inclined to pursue those interests because he's actually satisfied with his job. See, I'm not satisfied with my job at all, so I need LOTS going on outside of it. I think I really need to be with someone who wants that too.
Aside from that, this guy lacks what I find most important: A sense of humor and ability to banter (bantering is my favorite), and a passion for music. I admire someone who's constantly searching for new things to listen to, or learning about already-loved bands, etc, etc. Music has always been a huge part of my life. There's a reason I was a huge band nerd in high school. There's a reason I'm always on the lookout for new music to add to my library. I want someone to share that passion with. I don't want to constantly be the one giving recommendations. I want to receive some recommendations too. I want to learn from someone, and I want someone I can share my knowledge with too. I cannot stress how important this is.
So this guy may have been a dud who just sounded good on paper, but at least I learned more about who I'm looking for. I guess that's all I can really hope for.
For the record, I still think online dating is weird.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Liz Jones and the Emails of Doom

Ohhhh emails. This is a topic I'm sure I will have multiple posts about.
I think it says a lot that the first email I got on Match said, "U are beautiful." My thoughts? "Thanks, random fatty from the next state over. But please. If you will take the time to type out the word 'are,' the least you can do is type two more letters to spell out 'you,' too."
What is even the point of this email, anyway? It's not going to make me respond. Am I flattered? Well, maybe I would be if the one emailing me had a respectable IQ and didn't live in a hick state. It would have helped if he'd been somewhat goodlooking, too. (Okay, so I'm shallow. But really, you'd all be thinking it too.)
The next email was from a guy who looked 10 years older than he said he was. The following was a long affair from a desperate fatty who was 27 and had never been in a relationship, but "sees other couples together kissing or holding hands and thinks gosh that could be me." He completed his long, desperate essay with his phone number for easy access. I got a lovely email from a gentleman complimenting my looks and telling me I'm nice to look at so we should get to know each other. Yet another from someone who said he'd "love to know more about me," but didn't bother to ask me any questions. Got one that said, "hi whats up sexy !" (That's exactly how it was typed out, minus quotations.)
After all this, I decided to sign up for OK Cupid, too, since it's free, so why the fuck not right? It's been about the same. I was bored the day I signed up and ended up chatting with this 21-year-old dude who lives the next state over, because he used to live in this city and I wanted tips on where to go to see live music, but he kept trying to get my phone number. It got old. Because we all just KNOW that the moment he gets my number, there'll be a penis photo on its way to me. That is not a package I want to sign for. His account's gone now. I'm not sad. The only reason I was talking to him was because he had information I wanted, and it related to music.
There's something interesting going on with another one of the OK Cupid dudes. And by interesting, I mean retarded, but fucking hilarious. I deleted the first few messages from this guy, but there were 3, all along the lines of, "Hey, are you online?" "I was checking out your profile and I think you're really cool." "About me, blah blah blah." They happened in a very short span of time, too. No patience. Needless to say, I was uninterested. He seemed crazy and stalkerish, not to mention the fact that he couldn't type to save his life. This was probably a week ago. This morning, he sends me two more messages, one all about himself, complete with mistyped words, failing to use a question mark at the end of questions, and going on and on about himself and how accomplished he is, which made it sound like a load of bullshit. Really? You're an accomplished art dealer, and can't type to save your life? I'm sorry for your clients. He finished his email by saying that the best way to get in touch was by phone, and was sure to leave his phone number. (Pretty sure he did that in the 3rd of the first 3 messages as well.) He then followed up with another message saying, "I'm sorry I missed your earlier messages, please call/text me instead, blah blah blah." Um... WHAT messages? There is no way in fucking hell I sent him any messages. So I'm fucking laughing my ass off right now. This dude is delusional. Or a drug addict. Perhaps both. But there's no way I will be contacting him. I know he's also trying to put me in the penis photo trap. As soon as he gets my number, there's a penis on its way to my phone. I'm really sad now that I deleted the first 3 creeptastic messages. These two I will be sure to preserve for posterity.
There have been a couple guys I would consider contacting on my own, but for the most part, it's been a lot of duds.
I got exactly one email that I actually thought was nice and thoughtful, the kind of email I'd be expecting from a potential prospect. I ended up going on a date with the guy. Of course I will write about it. But the point is that that was one email out of 20 at the very least.
It's a sad, sad world out there, ladies. But I'm holding out hope.

Why I Won't Date You

I feel like it's a good idea going into something with some sort of expectations, or standards. Mine have always been pretty high. Despite trying this new thing called "keeping my options open," I find that I still have a lot of criteria for a potential date. Aside from the obvious no's - no married men, no men with children, etc, etc - here is a list of men I refuse to date and why:
  1. Dudes with no picture. You're either hiding something, or you're a paranoid freak. The majority of people on the site have photos up. Join the fucking club. Because when you don't have pictures, it seems like you're not serious about the service. Don't waste my fucking time.
  2. Dudes who have shirtless pics. You're obviously douches who think you look really fucking hot. Good for you - you go to the gym. You run. You whatever. Do I care? No. I certainly don't want a fattie (see below), but sorry, I don't want my man thinking he's hotter than me (even if I think he is). There's a big difference between confidence and asshattery.
  3. Dudes with photos of themselves in hats. Baseball caps and beanies are one thing. I can get behind a baseball cap or a beanie. But those ridiculous hats that you think make you look like Justin Timberlake just make you look like a tool. You also might be balding. If I can't see what your head looks like, this is what I'm going to assume.
  4. Dudes who can't spell / have crappy grammar / are too lazy to type things out. I'm smart enough to know that I deserve someone who can challenge me intellectually. Typing skills reflect mental capacity. Sure, not everyone's great with words. I get that. But srsly? I will not waste my time with someone who can't spell. There are plenty of attractive guys on the site who CAN spell. I am not that desperate. And for the love of god, proofread your goddamn motherfucking emails.
  5. Dudes who email me to ask me "what's up." Seriously? Be original. This is the dumbest question on the face of the planet. Unless I'm calling you and you want to know what it's about, don't fucking ask me "what's up." I will reply with "nothing," and walk the fuck away. Or, if it's an email, I will delete it and never look back. You want to get my attention? Write me something thoughtful. Show me you actually read my profile and you like it. Do I want to read an essay all about you? No. I can do that by going to your profile. But if you're actually thoughtful, I might consider giving you a chance.
  6. Fatties. Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you. I don't need any extra "cushion for the pushin'." And seriously? If you have a double chin, you are more than just "a few extra pounds." Own up to your weight, you idiots. Stop popping up in my searches.
  7. Baldies. A shaved head is one thing. That doesn't actually bother me. Even if you're balding, if you shave your head, then fine. If you do, I'd prefer that you wear a hat, but if your head is shaped okay, then whatever. But if you're in denial, and you're balding up top and still have hair on the sides? Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I will vomit. Either have hair, or have no hair. None of this in-between bullshit. Having a full head of hair is obviously preferred. And thankfully I have not yet encountered those disgusting men who have a ponytail but are bald up top. *gag* (Side note: How sad is it that I'm only 25 and this is one of my criteria?)
  8. Geezers. My age range is set at 25-32. 32 is pretty old (for me), but guys who've hit 30 generally have their shit together more. And what's 4-5 years? 32 is really quite pushing it. Those guys generally want to settle down. While yes, I do want to find "the one" and get married, I don't really want to "settle down" just yet. That would mean children usually. And I hate those whiney poop machines. So my limit is really 32. I mean, But seriously? If you look like you're 10 years older than the age you list, and there are pictures of you hanging around a bunch of boring-looking old people, you will have no chance with me. I feel like I've missed out on so much "young people" stuff living in the buttfuck of nowhere that I'm not about to go and date an old dude.
  9. Dudes who don't take the time to write descriptive profiles. Unless you take the time to write thoughtful emails to me (see above), I will not be interested in you. (And even if you do write thoughtful emails, the chances of me being interested are drastically decreased if I can't figure out that you're cool by reading your profile.) If I don't know what kind of person you are from your profile, why should I waste my time? There are plenty of guys who put the time and effort into writing about what they want to get out of a relationship and who they're looking for, so if you don't? Then it tells me you aren't really serious. I'm not paying $20 a month to deal with that bullshit. I'm not going to waste my time trying to get to know you if I don't already have a sense that you could be what I'm looking for.
  10. Dudes who don't live in the city. If you live in the suburbs, it ain't happening, unless you plan on coming into the city. Cuz there ain't no way in hell I'm driving out to the suburbs all the time. Traffic is a fucking bitch. So yeah. Not happening. There are plenty of elegible bachelors in the city. If you want a city girl, then MOVE TO THE CITY. I work in the suburbs. I want to play in the city. Is that so wrong?
I may add more later as I have experienced online dating more, but I think I'm pretty much set with these. 

A Big Decision

I have never been a very outgoing person. I'm not saying this because I want your pity. I'm just saying it so that you can get an idea of why in the fucking hell I would join Online dating is fucking weird. I don't care who you are, how many other people are doing it - it's weird. That our culture has come to the point where we can't meet people worth knowing in person and have to take to the internet to find a soulmate? Fucking weird. Clicking through profile after profile, photo after photo of peolpe you've never met? Weirder than fucking weird.
I have been a member of for 2 weeks, and I already hate it. (Okay, I've hated it from the very first second I joined, but I'm trying to give it a chance, honestly!) But I also feel like I already have enough material to last this blog a year.
I have to admit that I am new to the dating scene. I don't have a lot of relationship experience, because I lived in the buttfuck of nowhere up until 3 months ago. This is not the ideal place for a woman in her mid-twenties. Because of that very unfortunate location, I didn't have a whole lot of friends, and I certainly met very few datable guys. In fact, while living there, I only met one - ONE fucking datable guy - through a friend, and he lived an hour away. When we clicked, you can bet I jumped at that chance as soon as fucking possible. But when that relationship ended, and I had zero prospects and zero motivation to STAY in the buttfuck of nowhere (not that I wanted to stay there to begin with, but sometimes you just get stuck), I decided to up and move halfway across the country to my city of choice in pursuit of a social life.
I have to say, though, pursuing a social life is fucking hard. First of all, I have hardly any friends here, and going out alone is insanely unappealing. Not only I am not one of those people who's cool with doing social activities alone, but I'm also fucking miserable at self-motivating. I might <i>want</i> to go out, but when it comes time? If it's up to me, I'll just sit at home and watch a movie or sleep or something. This isn't very conducive to a social life, let me tell ya.
So when my roommate went on vacation for a week and left me to my own devices, the following happened:
  • I drank a lot of wine by myself
  • I felt very pathetic for having no plans whatsoever and ordering a whole 16" pizza to eat all by myself (I split it up over 3 days, okay?!?)
  • I decided that I needed some action, and that it could be obtained by joining Match
I've felt very empowered by many of the dating blogs I follow that are written by women who date online, and I thought, "Well, why not?"
But, as I've said before, it's fucking weird. I have very mixed feelings about whether it will work out for me or not. I've always been picky about who I've wanted to date in the past, and there has to be some level of physical attraction that can only be determined by meeting in person. I anticipate there will be a lot of trial and error to go along with this, and I'm not too jazzed up about it. Who really wants to tell someone, "I don't feel any chemistry," or "I don't think you're the one for me?" Because then I have to wonder if this person is going to A) go fucking ballistic, or B) try to argue with you. This is what I envision happening, and it's not pretty. I do realize that most people are rational human beings, but I still dread dealing rejection, because I don't want it blowing up in my face.
I've been trying to keep an open mind, but the whole process is still weird, and I haven't yet been able to bring myself to email anyone. This is partly because Match's Daily Matches really suck. But it's also because I'm the biggest fucking wimp to ever join the world of online dating.
But for better or worse, here I am, giving it a shot, and now you get to hear about it.