Liz Jones and the Emails of Doom

Ohhhh emails. This is a topic I'm sure I will have multiple posts about.

 

I think it says a lot that the first email I got on Match said, "U are beautiful." My thoughts? "Thanks, random fatty from the next state over. But please. If you will take the time to type out the word 'are,' the least you can do is type two more letters to spell out 'you,' too."

 

What is even the point of this email, anyway? It's not going to make me respond. Am I flattered? Well, maybe I would be if the one emailing me had a respectable IQ and didn't live in a hick state. It would have helped if he'd been somewhat goodlooking, too. (Okay, so I'm shallow. But really, you'd all be thinking it too.)

 

The next email was from a guy who looked 10 years older than he said he was. The following was a long affair from a desperate fatty who was 27 and had never been in a relationship, but "sees other couples together kissing or holding hands and thinks gosh that could be me." He completed his long, desperate essay with his phone number for easy access. I got a lovely email from a gentleman complimenting my looks and telling me I'm nice to look at so we should get to know each other. Yet another from someone who said he'd "love to know more about me," but didn't bother to ask me any questions. Got one that said, "hi whats up sexy !" (That's exactly how it was typed out, minus quotations.)

 

After all this, I decided to sign up for OK Cupid, too, since it's free, so why the fuck not right? It's been about the same. I was bored the day I signed up and ended up chatting with this 21-year-old dude who lives the next state over, because he used to live in this city and I wanted tips on where to go to see live music, but he kept trying to get my phone number. It got old. Because we all just KNOW that the moment he gets my number, there'll be a penis photo on its way to me. That is not a package I want to sign for. His account's gone now. I'm not sad. The only reason I was talking to him was because he had information I wanted, and it related to music.

 

There's something interesting going on with another one of the OK Cupid dudes. And by interesting, I mean retarded, but fucking hilarious. I deleted the first few messages from this guy, but there were 3, all along the lines of, "Hey, are you online?" "I was checking out your profile and I think you're really cool." "About me, blah blah blah." They happened in a very short span of time, too. No patience. Needless to say, I was uninterested. He seemed crazy and stalkerish, not to mention the fact that he couldn't type to save his life. This was probably a week ago. This morning, he sends me two more messages, one all about himself, complete with mistyped words, failing to use a question mark at the end of questions, and going on and on about himself and how accomplished he is, which made it sound like a load of bullshit. Really? You're an accomplished art dealer, and can't type to save your life? I'm sorry for your clients. He finished his email by saying that the best way to get in touch was by phone, and was sure to leave his phone number. (Pretty sure he did that in the 3rd of the first 3 messages as well.) He then followed up with another message saying, "I'm sorry I missed your earlier messages, please call/text me instead, blah blah blah." Um... WHAT messages? There is no way in fucking hell I sent him any messages. So I'm fucking laughing my ass off right now. This dude is delusional. Or a drug addict. Perhaps both. But there's no way I will be contacting him. I know he's also trying to put me in the penis photo trap. As soon as he gets my number, there's a penis on its way to my phone. I'm really sad now that I deleted the first 3 creeptastic messages. These two I will be sure to preserve for posterity.

 

There have been a couple guys I would consider contacting on my own, but for the most part, it's been a lot of duds.

 

I got exactly one email that I actually thought was nice and thoughtful, the kind of email I'd be expecting from a potential prospect. I ended up going on a date with the guy. Of course I will write about it. But the point is that that was one email out of 20 at the very least.

 

It's a sad, sad world out there, ladies. But I'm holding out hope.