Why I Won't Date You

I feel like it's a good idea going into something with some sort of expectations, or standards. Mine have always been pretty high. Despite trying this new thing called "keeping my options open," I find that I still have a lot of criteria for a potential date. Aside from the obvious no's - no married men, no men with children, etc, etc - here is a list of men I refuse to date and why:

 

1. Dudes with no picture. You're either hiding something, or you're a paranoid freak. The majority of people on the site have photos up. Join the fucking club. Because when you don't have pictures, it seems like you're not serious about the service. Don't waste my fucking time.
2. Dudes who have shirtless pics. You're obviously douches who think you look really fucking hot. Good for you - you go to the gym. You run. You whatever. Do I care? No. I certainly don't want a fattie (see below), but sorry, I don't want my man thinking he's hotter than me (even if I think he is). There's a big difference between confidence and asshattery.
3. Dudes with photos of themselves in hats. Baseball caps and beanies are one thing. I can get behind a baseball cap or a beanie. But those ridiculous hats that you think make you look like Justin Timberlake just make you look like a tool. You also might be balding. If I can't see what your head looks like, this is what I'm going to assume.
4. Dudes who can't spell / have crappy grammar / are too lazy to type things out. I'm smart enough to know that I deserve someone who can challenge me intellectually. Typing skills reflect mental capacity. Sure, not everyone's great with words. I get that. But srsly? I will not waste my time with someone who can't spell. There are plenty of attractive guys on the site who CAN spell. I am not that desperate. And for the love of god, proofread your goddamn motherfucking emails.
5. Dudes who email me to ask me "what's up." Seriously? Be original. This is the dumbest question on the face of the planet. Unless I'm calling you and you want to know what it's about, don't fucking ask me "what's up." I will reply with "nothing," and walk the fuck away. Or, if it's an email, I will delete it and never look back. You want to get my attention? Write me something thoughtful. Show me you actually read my profile and you like it. Do I want to read an essay all about you? No. I can do that by going to your profile. But if you're actually thoughtful, I might consider giving you a chance.
6. Fatties. Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you. I don't need any extra "cushion for the pushin'." And seriously? If you have a double chin, you are more than just "a few extra pounds." Own up to your weight, you idiots. Stop popping up in my searches.
7. Baldies. A shaved head is one thing. That doesn't actually bother me. Even if you're balding, if you shave your head, then fine. If you do, I'd prefer that you wear a hat, but if your head is shaped okay, then whatever. But if you're in denial, and you're balding up top and still have hair on the sides? Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I will vomit. Either have hair, or have no hair. None of this in-between bullshit. Having a full head of hair is obviously preferred. And thankfully I have not yet encountered those disgusting men who have a ponytail but are bald up top. *gag* (Side note: How sad is it that I'm only 25 and this is one of my criteria?)
8. Geezers. My age range is set at 25-32. 32 is pretty old (for me), but guys who've hit 30 generally have their shit together more. And what's 4-5 years? 32 is really quite pushing it. Those guys generally want to settle down. While yes, I do want to find "the one" and get married, I don't really want to "settle down" just yet. That would mean children usually. And I hate those whiney poop machines. So my limit is really 32. I mean, But seriously? If you look like you're 10 years older than the age you list, and there are pictures of you hanging around a bunch of boring-looking old people, you will have no chance with me. I feel like I've missed out on so much "young people" stuff living in the buttfuck of nowhere that I'm not about to go and date an old dude.
9. Dudes who don't take the time to write descriptive profiles. Unless you take the time to write thoughtful emails to me (see above), I will not be interested in you. (And even if you do write thoughtful emails, the chances of me being interested are drastically decreased if I can't figure out that you're cool by reading your profile.) If I don't know what kind of person you are from your profile, why should I waste my time? There are plenty of guys who put the time and effort into writing about what they want to get out of a relationship and who they're looking for, so if you don't? Then it tells me you aren't really serious. I'm not paying $20 a month to deal with that bullshit. I'm not going to waste my time trying to get to know you if I don't already have a sense that you could be what I'm looking for.
10. Dudes who don't live in the city. If you live in the suburbs, it ain't happening, unless you plan on coming into the city. Cuz there ain't no way in hell I'm driving out to the suburbs all the time. Traffic is a fucking bitch. So yeah. Not happening. There are plenty of elegible bachelors in the city. If you want a city girl, then MOVE TO THE CITY. I work in the suburbs. I want to play in the city. Is that so wrong?

 

I may add more later as I have experienced online dating more, but I think I'm pretty much set with these.