The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Match Date #1
 
The day I joined Match, I got several pointless, retarded emails, mentioned previously. The email that Ron Burgundy sent me stood out among them like a glittering jewel of hope. It was thoughtful, made me smile and just begged to be answered. I was a bit disappointed in RB's profile, because it was pretty thin, but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he was all about. So we exchanged a few emails back and forth, just getting to know each other on a basic level, seeing that we have things in common, etc, etc, and he seemed like a good guy, so when he asked to meet up, I was all for it.
 
Well, maybe not ALL for it. I am REALLY fucking picky about guys, and I'm not the most outgoing person when you first meet me (generally speaking), so I was afraid A) it was going to be really fucking awkward, B) he was going to look nothing like his one dinky picture and actually look like a slob and smell bad (even though I didn't think this would really be a possibility, because he's a morning news anchor (yes, that's right, motherfuckers, and no, I did not Google him, 'cuz that's the fucking creepiest thing you could possibly do, and I have no idea what station he works for because I do not watch the news), so I figured he had to look at least OK), and, most of all, C) that I was going to have to tell him I didn't want to see him again. That was something I DID NOT want to say in person, even though I realize using a textual form of communication is the coward's way out. But anyway, I was dreading this date all week, and I didn't even want to tell anyone I was going on it. (For safety's sake, I did tell one of my friends, just so she'd know to call the police if she never heard from me again.) But I did go, and it was WAY not as bad as I was expecting.
 
We met up at an 80s themed cafe. This place seriously rocked, and honestly, I was more excited to see this place than go on this date. But whatever. It had 80s posters all over the walls, and an old TV set up with Super Nintendo and a bunch of really old games I remember watching my cousin play when I was a kid. Having worked as a barista for 4.5 years, I'm kind of an espresso drink snob, so my mocha did not taste as good as I wanted it to, but I was a good sport and didn't complain. The decor more than made up for it.
 
So anyway, I walked in and the place was hopping, but thankfully RB was already there and got up and came right over to me. I was relieved that he looked normal and actually kind of attractive. Not my type persay, but not bad. But then he hugged me and said it was "nice to see me," like we knew each other and that was not cool with me, really. But I figured in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a big deal. But I am not a hugger. Unless I want to get in someone's pants, I am not the touchy-feely type. Not. At. All. So, ick. Especially since we'd been talking online for all of a week, and when I gave him my number, he only texted me to make plans, not to engage in any adorable banter. So yeah, really did not want to be hugged, but whatever.
 
So we sat down on a couch (yeah, fucking COUCHES) to talk, and thankfully it was not awkward. He had plenty of questions for me, which I was happy to answer. But this dude has not seen The Princess Bride. I just... INCONCIEVABLE. Major fail right there. AND he asked me if I had any questions for him - SUPER awkward. Um, hello, if I have questions for you, I will ask you. This is not an interview. So I awkwardly asked a dumb question, and he answered it with lameness, but after that, things went back to being somewhat comfortable. But seriously? Who asks that? "Do you have any questions for me?" *eyeroll* I have one: Why do you have to be so lame? Just let the conversation flow, you idiot. If it doesn't? Then clearly this isn't going to go anywhere.
 
I realize I'm making this sound really bad, and actually, in retrospect, it was pretty bad. But when I was there, I was having a good time, and really, for the most part, it wasn't uncomfortable.
 
So after a while, he wanted to go try to play one of the video games, so we went and did that, and I sucked (naturally), but it was a good time. We were playing it for a little while, and then the power randomly went out, so we had to leave. He asked if I wanted to go get some lunch, and I was like, "Okay!" I wasn't really thinking, because if I had been, I probably would have been like, "Nah, I'll just eat at home." But I suppose the subconscious free-lunch-wanting side of me made that decision by blocking off rational thought.
 
So we walked down the street, and a bunch of other places had power outages too, but then we happened upon a place that looked cool. Turned out to be this fucking snazzy breakfast place, and he was all sad, because he's allergic to eggs. EGGS? Who the FUCK is allergic to eggs? But whatever. And then he goes an orders a frittata, clearly not knowing that frittata = egg, so he ate like two bites, and the entire staff of the restaurant was like, "Omg, did you not like it? What happened?!" and ended up taking it off the bill. LOLZ. Super. Awkward. Sauce. Anyway, lunch conversation was not bad, and overall, I had a good time.
 
Afterwards, he walked me to my bus stop and said, "We should do this again!" And I agreed, 'cuz I'd actually had a good time, despite the awkwardness I nitpicked above. However, as we were waiting for my bus to come, we were discussing my very new experiences with Match (Note: This is not a good first date topic.), and I said I'd gotten some desperate emails (aka the guy who'd never been in a relationship and wanted one so bad that he thought to include his phone number), and RB was like, "Like mine?" I was like, "Um, no." But he insisted his sounded desperate. It was an awkward moment. (Yet again.) And now I'm thinking, Dude, if you need validation from me? I. Do. Not. Want. To. Date. You. Period. Self-deprecation is only okay if it's funny. This was just sad. But I ignored it and continued on with conversation. And then I was on my bus, headed for home, relieved that I had not spent a good portion of my day with some ugly, smelly guy who had plans to rape and kill me.
 
Later that evening, he texted me saying he had a good time, and I replied back that I too had had a good time, and that we should do it again, but that he would have to watch The Pricess Bride first, all bantery and adorable like I am. His response, "Hahaha, we will see about that." ...That was it. It was lame. The next day, we made plans to go out to dinner a few days later. This would have been an excellent time to start a text conversation, complete with adorable bantering. This did not happen. We made plans, and that was it. I mean, I get it if a guy isn't a big texter. But come ON. I guess one of my requirements is that a guy must be an avid texter. But more importantly, he must be adept at the art of banter. This is important to me, goddamn it! If you can't make me laugh, then it's a major fail. I'm not sorry.
 
And so I began dreading Date #2 with Ron Burgundy. I wasn't sure that I felt any real chemistry with him on Date #1, but I thought I'd better make sure, y'know? Still, I was dreading it. It was not a good sign, that's for sure. If I wasn't looking forward to seeing the guy, what hope did I have that this would be going anywhere?
 
I suppose I justified it because my ex made such a lasting impression on me that he's really a tough act to follow.  I guess I tried to justify it by thinking that this guy is just different, and that might not be a bad thing. But I still wasn't looking forward to seeing him, and it wasn't just because he wasn't my ex, and that's a fact. What I should have done was cancel and go shopping with my girl friend. But I sucked it up and went.
 
So he said his train had taken forever, so he was going to be a bit late, so I decided I could leave 10 mins later, but then my bus took about 25 mins (at LEAST) to get to my stop, so I was late myself. I tried engaging in an amusing text conversation. It did not happen. When I finally got to the restaurant, he was already at a table, and he stood up and knocked over my water. I. Kid. You. Not. Way to be awkward, sir. Way to be awkward. I mean, okay. I've done it. It wasn't that big of a deal. We got seated at another (dry) table. But still, not a good sign. And as soon as I saw him, I wanted to turn around and go home (except for the fact that I was starving), because he wasn't as attractive as I'd remembered, and it just hit me how much chemistry we did NOT have. And I had a whole dinner to get through. Sigh.
 
Conversation was awkward. I felt like we'd exhausted all topics of conversation during Date #1. AND he asked about my job. My boring ass makes-me-hate-my-life job. Ew. I do not like to talk about my job. It's an amazingly boring job, and I know that. It in now way defines me, and I'm not defined by having a job I hate. It's just a fact that I hate my job, and it's boring. So that was excruciating. Then he ended up eating one of my sushi rolls because I'd forgotten what I ordered (not a big deal, but with someone more interesting, it could have been hilarious). Once the wine hit me, I started to have a good time. But I was definitely the more interesting one in the conversation, lemme tell ya.
 
In conclusion, this guy just isn't my type. And he seems very satisfied with his life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I'm the type of person who wants to go out and do things and have fun, and most importantly, try new things and learn new things, and this guy just doesn't seem that interested. I felt that a big part of this guy is his job, which is an awesome job. It's not that he doesn't have interests outside of it, but he doesn't seem as inclined to pursue those interests because he's actually satisfied with his job. See, I'm not satisfied with my job at all, so I need LOTS going on outside of it. I think I really need to be with someone who wants that too.
 
Aside from that, this guy lacks what I find most important: A sense of humor and ability to banter (bantering is my favorite), and a passion for music. I admire someone who's constantly searching for new things to listen to, or learning about already-loved bands, etc, etc. Music has always been a huge part of my life. There's a reason I was a huge band nerd in high school. There's a reason I'm always on the lookout for new music to add to my library. I want someone to share that passion with. I don't want to constantly be the one giving recommendations. I want to receive some recommendations too. I want to learn from someone, and I want someone I can share my knowledge with too. I cannot stress how important this is.
 
So this guy may have been a dud who just sounded good on paper, but at least I learned more about who I'm looking for. I guess that's all I can really hope for.
 
For the record, I still think online dating is weird.