Liz Jones and the Emails of Doom

Ohhhh emails. This is a topic I'm sure I will have multiple posts about.

 

I think it says a lot that the first email I got on Match said, "U are beautiful." My thoughts? "Thanks, random fatty from the next state over. But please. If you will take the time to type out the word 'are,' the least you can do is type two more letters to spell out 'you,' too."

 

What is even the point of this email, anyway? It's not going to make me respond. Am I flattered? Well, maybe I would be if the one emailing me had a respectable IQ and didn't live in a hick state. It would have helped if he'd been somewhat goodlooking, too. (Okay, so I'm shallow. But really, you'd all be thinking it too.)

 

The next email was from a guy who looked 10 years older than he said he was. The following was a long affair from a desperate fatty who was 27 and had never been in a relationship, but "sees other couples together kissing or holding hands and thinks gosh that could be me." He completed his long, desperate essay with his phone number for easy access. I got a lovely email from a gentleman complimenting my looks and telling me I'm nice to look at so we should get to know each other. Yet another from someone who said he'd "love to know more about me," but didn't bother to ask me any questions. Got one that said, "hi whats up sexy !" (That's exactly how it was typed out, minus quotations.)

 

After all this, I decided to sign up for OK Cupid, too, since it's free, so why the fuck not right? It's been about the same. I was bored the day I signed up and ended up chatting with this 21-year-old dude who lives the next state over, because he used to live in this city and I wanted tips on where to go to see live music, but he kept trying to get my phone number. It got old. Because we all just KNOW that the moment he gets my number, there'll be a penis photo on its way to me. That is not a package I want to sign for. His account's gone now. I'm not sad. The only reason I was talking to him was because he had information I wanted, and it related to music.

 

There's something interesting going on with another one of the OK Cupid dudes. And by interesting, I mean retarded, but fucking hilarious. I deleted the first few messages from this guy, but there were 3, all along the lines of, "Hey, are you online?" "I was checking out your profile and I think you're really cool." "About me, blah blah blah." They happened in a very short span of time, too. No patience. Needless to say, I was uninterested. He seemed crazy and stalkerish, not to mention the fact that he couldn't type to save his life. This was probably a week ago. This morning, he sends me two more messages, one all about himself, complete with mistyped words, failing to use a question mark at the end of questions, and going on and on about himself and how accomplished he is, which made it sound like a load of bullshit. Really? You're an accomplished art dealer, and can't type to save your life? I'm sorry for your clients. He finished his email by saying that the best way to get in touch was by phone, and was sure to leave his phone number. (Pretty sure he did that in the 3rd of the first 3 messages as well.) He then followed up with another message saying, "I'm sorry I missed your earlier messages, please call/text me instead, blah blah blah." Um... WHAT messages? There is no way in fucking hell I sent him any messages. So I'm fucking laughing my ass off right now. This dude is delusional. Or a drug addict. Perhaps both. But there's no way I will be contacting him. I know he's also trying to put me in the penis photo trap. As soon as he gets my number, there's a penis on its way to my phone. I'm really sad now that I deleted the first 3 creeptastic messages. These two I will be sure to preserve for posterity.

 

There have been a couple guys I would consider contacting on my own, but for the most part, it's been a lot of duds.

 

I got exactly one email that I actually thought was nice and thoughtful, the kind of email I'd be expecting from a potential prospect. I ended up going on a date with the guy. Of course I will write about it. But the point is that that was one email out of 20 at the very least.

 

It's a sad, sad world out there, ladies. But I'm holding out hope.

Why I Won't Date You

I feel like it's a good idea going into something with some sort of expectations, or standards. Mine have always been pretty high. Despite trying this new thing called "keeping my options open," I find that I still have a lot of criteria for a potential date. Aside from the obvious no's - no married men, no men with children, etc, etc - here is a list of men I refuse to date and why:

 

1. Dudes with no picture. You're either hiding something, or you're a paranoid freak. The majority of people on the site have photos up. Join the fucking club. Because when you don't have pictures, it seems like you're not serious about the service. Don't waste my fucking time.
2. Dudes who have shirtless pics. You're obviously douches who think you look really fucking hot. Good for you - you go to the gym. You run. You whatever. Do I care? No. I certainly don't want a fattie (see below), but sorry, I don't want my man thinking he's hotter than me (even if I think he is). There's a big difference between confidence and asshattery.
3. Dudes with photos of themselves in hats. Baseball caps and beanies are one thing. I can get behind a baseball cap or a beanie. But those ridiculous hats that you think make you look like Justin Timberlake just make you look like a tool. You also might be balding. If I can't see what your head looks like, this is what I'm going to assume.
4. Dudes who can't spell / have crappy grammar / are too lazy to type things out. I'm smart enough to know that I deserve someone who can challenge me intellectually. Typing skills reflect mental capacity. Sure, not everyone's great with words. I get that. But srsly? I will not waste my time with someone who can't spell. There are plenty of attractive guys on the site who CAN spell. I am not that desperate. And for the love of god, proofread your goddamn motherfucking emails.
5. Dudes who email me to ask me "what's up." Seriously? Be original. This is the dumbest question on the face of the planet. Unless I'm calling you and you want to know what it's about, don't fucking ask me "what's up." I will reply with "nothing," and walk the fuck away. Or, if it's an email, I will delete it and never look back. You want to get my attention? Write me something thoughtful. Show me you actually read my profile and you like it. Do I want to read an essay all about you? No. I can do that by going to your profile. But if you're actually thoughtful, I might consider giving you a chance.
6. Fatties. Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you. I don't need any extra "cushion for the pushin'." And seriously? If you have a double chin, you are more than just "a few extra pounds." Own up to your weight, you idiots. Stop popping up in my searches.
7. Baldies. A shaved head is one thing. That doesn't actually bother me. Even if you're balding, if you shave your head, then fine. If you do, I'd prefer that you wear a hat, but if your head is shaped okay, then whatever. But if you're in denial, and you're balding up top and still have hair on the sides? Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. I will vomit. Either have hair, or have no hair. None of this in-between bullshit. Having a full head of hair is obviously preferred. And thankfully I have not yet encountered those disgusting men who have a ponytail but are bald up top. *gag* (Side note: How sad is it that I'm only 25 and this is one of my criteria?)
8. Geezers. My age range is set at 25-32. 32 is pretty old (for me), but guys who've hit 30 generally have their shit together more. And what's 4-5 years? 32 is really quite pushing it. Those guys generally want to settle down. While yes, I do want to find "the one" and get married, I don't really want to "settle down" just yet. That would mean children usually. And I hate those whiney poop machines. So my limit is really 32. I mean, But seriously? If you look like you're 10 years older than the age you list, and there are pictures of you hanging around a bunch of boring-looking old people, you will have no chance with me. I feel like I've missed out on so much "young people" stuff living in the buttfuck of nowhere that I'm not about to go and date an old dude.
9. Dudes who don't take the time to write descriptive profiles. Unless you take the time to write thoughtful emails to me (see above), I will not be interested in you. (And even if you do write thoughtful emails, the chances of me being interested are drastically decreased if I can't figure out that you're cool by reading your profile.) If I don't know what kind of person you are from your profile, why should I waste my time? There are plenty of guys who put the time and effort into writing about what they want to get out of a relationship and who they're looking for, so if you don't? Then it tells me you aren't really serious. I'm not paying $20 a month to deal with that bullshit. I'm not going to waste my time trying to get to know you if I don't already have a sense that you could be what I'm looking for.
10. Dudes who don't live in the city. If you live in the suburbs, it ain't happening, unless you plan on coming into the city. Cuz there ain't no way in hell I'm driving out to the suburbs all the time. Traffic is a fucking bitch. So yeah. Not happening. There are plenty of elegible bachelors in the city. If you want a city girl, then MOVE TO THE CITY. I work in the suburbs. I want to play in the city. Is that so wrong?

 

I may add more later as I have experienced online dating more, but I think I'm pretty much set with these.